Get your copy of 'The Gloaming' by jw tarin now with this very special limited-time offer!

Publish | Buy | Services           The Gloaming - poetry & prose by jw tarin 2010 WesternWhere Media, published by Lulu, Inc. Purchase The Gloaming with 15% off with coupon code FALLREAD305 Disclaimer: Use coupon code FALLREAD305 at checkout and receive 15% off The Gloaming. Maximum savings with this promotion is $10. You can only use the code once per account, and you can't use this coupon in combination with other coupon codes. Sorry, self-purchases (buying books that you've published) aren't eligible. This great offer ends on October 15, 2010 at 11:59 PM so try not to procrastinate! While very unlikely we do reserve the right to change or revoke this offer at anytime, and of course we cannot offer this coupon where it is against the law to do so. Finally, Lulu incurs the cost of this discount, so it does not impact the Author's proceeds of the book. Copyright © 2002-2010 Lulu, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Lulu.com | 3101 Hillsborough St. | Raleigh | NC | 27607-5436

I Have Moved

Please follow, if you like...

Okay, so I really wanted to have a daily blog about my opinions, rants, raves, stuff I find cool, etc. Just like I used to when Xanga was popular - old school. BUT, after putting much work into this blog, I just don't think I'm in a place right now where I can do that. I feel the pressure to have something fresh and current all the time, lest people stop reading (as may be the case already). HOWEVER, since I have a natural rabid thirst for knowledge of endless topics, I have set up a new blog over at Wordpress - called Beasts of Ephesus.

http://beastsofephesus.wordpress.com/

Check it out. It's not going to be a daily blah blah blog. It's ONLY reserved for random stuff that I find intriguing. God, the cosmos, the Bible as literature, really good books people should read, whatever - it's all fair game. I only have a few posts right now, but trust me there will be MUCH more coming!

Thanks for reading this, and I hope you'll read that...

-jase
June 2009

Jase Does Oklahoma pt. 1

Last weekend Rick and I ventured north to the red soil of my boyhood, the beautiful state of Oklahoma, where yours truly was born & raised, thank you very much.



About 30 of my family members, many of whom I have not seen in years - including my grandma - were getting together in my little hometown for a lunch at a local buffet/steakhouse place. Needless to say, at first I was having some moderate anxiety about the whole thing, as again I hadn't seen many of these folks in a few years - mostly since mom passed away - and here I was showing up out of the blue with my 21 year old boyfriend in tow.

Friday we drove to Oklahoma City, arriving just in time to meet my oldest friend downtown for what turned out to be one of the most AMAZING meals I've had in a long time. We met at Trattoria il Centro inside The Montgomery building.



I had a Blood Orange - Skyy vodka, fresh squeezed blood oranges, and triple sec - AMAZING!!! Then a wedge Caesar salad w/ the best dressing, and some pica (read: spicy in Spanish - thank my Latino boyfriend for that influence) red sauce on penne pasta. They actually wrapped it to go in a foil swan similar to this one



After that we headed to Yukon, on the west side of OKC where Nikki lives.



Very shortly after we arrived at her house we got a taste of the infamous Oklahoma spring weather - thunder, lightning, and pouring rain with high winds. We decided to stay in that night for obvious reasons.

Day 2 coming soon...

Texas Monthly Editor's Letter on June 2009 Issue

I loved this, and wanted to share it.  To be certain, I am a born-and-bred Oklahoman, and always will be, but I have called Texas my home for the past 12 years, nearly half my life. 

--

Since tax day, when Governor Perry flirted with the idea of Texas seceding from the Union, we have been treated to a full-blown rampage of anti-Texan invective the likes of which have not been seen since George W. Bush decamped from Washington for brushier pastures. "This one state has done more than any other to retard progress in our recent history," frothed Michael Tomasky in his blog for the Guardian, calling us "a greasy white zit in the middle of America's nose." Some guy named David Faris took to the National Public Radio airwaves with a commentary titled "Don't Mess With Texas . . . Get Rid of It." Never, ever to be outdone, the Web site Wonkette let it rip, declaring the Lone Star State to be a "dipshit dismal swamp . . . that produces little more than incredible assholes."

Even if you are among the 61 percent of Texans who voted against Perry the last time you had a chance to and even if you maintain, as a poll found that three quarters of us do, that secession is a foolish idea, you still can't read this overheated, thin-skinned, humorless drivel without wondering what in the world is wrong with these people. Haven't they ever heard a politician pandering to his base in anticipation of a tough primary? Why the instant flood of Lone Star hate? By the time it died down, the episode had revealed far more about Perry's attackers than it had about the governor himself. (As Paul Burka notes in "The Secret of My Secession", it also exposed the ancient rift between Sam Houston's Texas and Mirabeau B. Lamar's.) Perry wasn't seriously advocating secession; he was exploring, for electoral benefit, the singularity of his state, and the velocity, vehemence, and vigor of the responses brought into fresh focus an age-old fact of life in Texas: Those who don't live here don't get it.

Thus it was especially sweet when two weeks later (on the seventy-sixth birthday of Willie Nelson, neither an incredible a-hole nor a progress retarder) the American Society of Magazine Editors announced that Texas Monthly had won the 2009 award for General Excellence. For a magazine, it doesn't get any bigger; it's the equivalent of the Oscar for best picture, the Super Bowl ring, or the man-size stuffed panda at the state fair.
We're thrilled about this. The other finalists in our circulation category (250,000 to 500,000) included some of the best magazines in the business—the Atlantic and New York magazine, to name a couple. It's not the first time Texas Monthly has taken the top prize—we snared General Excellence Ellies (winners are presented with a replica of an Alexander Calder sculpture of an elephant) in 2003, 1992, and 1990. But this year is a little bit different, as the award comes amid a historically tough time for print journalism. Ad revenues are down for almost every title across the country, and in some cases circulation is declining as well (not here, though, thanks to you!). Budgets are being slashed and reporters laid off; the past six months have seen the shuttering of several well-loved titles.

To win in this environment, with these kinds of challenges, is a powerful vindication of the way we do things and a testament to the dedication, ingenuity, and brains of every person on our masthead, from our incredibly talented staff writers, copy editors, fact-checkers, and designers to our tireless ad sellers, marketing folks, circulation wizards, and everyone in between. It is due to the work of all these people—many of whom started out as interns and many of whom have worked at Texas Monthly for more than 25 years—that a great issue goes out the door every month.

It's also due to the fact that we have extraordinary material. Perry was right: Texas is a unique place. As the table of contents of this or any other issue will attest, more interesting things happen here in one month than happen in most states in a year. We have a culture all our own, a cuisine (or several) all our own, outsized villains all our own, and outsized heroes all our own. And this is what the knee-jerk rebuke of the governor's comments missed. Sure, we quit being a free republic in 1845, but Texas has never stopped being a place apart. We possess the qualities of a nation (including nationalism), not those of a state. That this gives rise every now and again to some claptrap about secession is not surprising, nor should it be all that upsetting. It's also what enables us to put out a generally excellent magazine.

--

If you don't live in Texas, we'll overlook that...you must not have visited yet.  Texas sure isn't perfect, but damnit, I love it here.  Sort of like the popular bumper sticker I often see on Dallas freeways..."I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as soon as I could!"

Neglect

Okay, so my blog posting has fallen off lately.  For real.  BUT, I have legitimately been working on my MySpace - www.myspace.com/vayaaloeste.  Check me out.  I'm working on some projects - a new book of poetry, possible music collaboration...maybe a little spoken word over some beats a la Dustin Cavazos (check my MySpace playlist - 1st song).  The man is a genius.

 

You can also follow me on Twitter - www.twitter.com/westernwhere

 

And of course, check my books  (BIG changes coming to the inventory here) - www.lulu.com/westpoetry - you can buy in snazzy pocket size print edition or download in e-book format for a mere 5 BUCKS.  Suh-weet.  Hey recession, EFF YOU!

thanks for the support & patience...i'll return here soon enough, promise...but i'm always somewhere.

 

find me

 

Bea Arthur Dies at 86

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Beatrice Arthur, the tall, deep-voiced actress whose razor-sharp delivery of comedy lines made her a TV star in the hit shows "Maude" and "The Golden Girls" and who won a Tony Award for the musical "Mame," died Saturday. She was 86.
Arthur died peacefully at her Los Angeles home with her family at her side, family spokesman Dan Watt said. She had cancer, Watt said, declining to give further details.
"She was a brilliant and witty woman," said Watt, who was Arthur's personal assistant for six years. "Bea will always have a special place in my heart."

read more here...

Marilyn Breaks Silence on 5 Year Relationship with Gavin Rossdale

British singer Marilyn (aka Peter Robinson) says he and Gavin Rossdale had a 5 year relationship in the 80s.

 

Back in 1995, Boy George first publicly exposed Rossdale's alleged romantic relationship with androgynous male British rocker Marilyn in his book Take It Like a Man. Rossdale claimed, "I wasn't dating Marilyn. We were, and still are, good friends."

At the time, Gavin vehemently denied their romantic involvement. It wasn't until now, however, that Marilyn is confirming the existence of the relationship. "We were together five years. But it felt like 40," Marilyn told In Touch. He adds, "Gavin and Gwen are perfect for each other, but he was the love of my life"

Marilyn explains why he initially pretended they'd never been a couple, "[Gavin] was just becoming successful in America. I agreed to lie against every grain of my being." As for Rossdale, he maintains his denial of any romantic entanglement.

 

I remember reading about this in Boy George's book several years back.  And there is (what I found to be) an odd connection between these three:  Marilyn was born in Kingston, Jamaica.  Gwen & crew went all Jamaican-me-crazy with Rock Steady, and Gwen and Gavin's son is named Kingston.  Weird.

 

pics of Gavin & Marilyn here

20 Things You Didn't Know About Death

Soapy corpses, ecological burials, dead relatives on parade and more

By LeeAundra Temescu
Provided by Discover magazine

 

1. The practice of burying the dead may date back 350,000 years, as evidenced by a 45-foot-deep pit in Atapuerca, Spain, filled with the fossils of 27 hominids of the species Homo heidelbergensis, a possible ancestor of Neanderthals and modern humans.

2. There are at least 200 euphemisms for death, including "to be in Abraham's bosom," "just add maggots" and "sleep with the Tribbles" (a "Star Trek" favorite).

3. No American has died of old age since 1951.

4. That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.

5. The trigger of death, in all cases, is lack of oxygen. Its decline may prompt muscle spasms, or the "agonal phase," from the Greek word "agon," meaning "contest."

6. Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward.

7. So much for recycling: Burials in America deposit 827,060 gallons of embalming fluid -- formaldehyde, methanol and ethanol -- into the soil each year. Cremation pumps dioxins, hydrochloric acid, sulfur dioxide and carbon dioxide into the air.

8. Alternatively, a Swedish company, Promessa, will freeze-dry your body in liquid nitrogen, pulverize it with high-frequency vibrations and seal the resulting powder in a cornstarch coffin. They claim this "ecological burial" will decompose in six to 12 months.

9. Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures.

10. The vultures are now dying off after eating cattle carcasses dosed with diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory used to relieve fever in livestock.

11. Queen Victoria insisted on being buried with the bathrobe of her long-dead husband, Prince Albert, and a plaster cast of his hand.

12. If this doesn't work, we're trying in vitro! In Madagascar, families dig up the bones of dead relatives and parade them around the village in a ceremony called "famadihana." The remains are then wrapped in a new shroud and reburied. The old shroud is given to a newly married, childless couple to cover the connubial bed.

13. Sometimes, under the right conditions of temperature and humidity, fatty tissue of a buried body will turn to a soap-like substance called adipocere, or grave wax. Adipocere formation relies on a cold, damp environment and an absence of oxygen; once begun, this saponification can continue for centuries.

14. Well, yeah, there's a slight chance this could backfire: English philosopher Francis Bacon, a founder of the scientific method, died in 1626 of pneumonia after stuffing a chicken with snow to see if cold would preserve it.

15. For organs to form during embryonic development, some cells must commit suicide. Without such programmed cell death, we would all be born with webbed feet, like ducks.

16. In 1907, a Massachusetts doctor conducted an experiment with a specially designed deathbed and reported that the human body lost 21 grams upon dying. This has been widely held as fact ever since. It's not.

17. Buried alive: In 19th-century Europe there was so much anecdotal evidence that living people were mistakenly declared dead that cadavers were laid out in "hospitals for the dead" while attendants awaited signs of putrefaction.

18. Eighty percent of people in the United States die in a hospital.

19. More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.

20. It is estimated that 100 billion people have died since humans began.

Happy Earth Day - Repower America!

I got the following email from Repoweramerica.org today, and I wanted to share.

 

Please do with it as you wish, but please consider signing the petition.

 

In order to solve the climate crisis, we can't just change light bulbs -- we need to change laws.

 

We're closer today than ever before. Right now, Congress is debating clean energy legislation that will jumpstart our economy and help solve the climate crisis.

On this Earth Day, can I depend on you to support this crucial legislation?

Yes. I'll get 10 people to sign the petition in support of clean energy legislation within the next week.

 

This is the historic comprehensive energy legislation that we've been waiting for. It will create millions of jobs and help solve the climate crisis by closing the carbon pollution loophole.

After so many years of inaction and obstruction, it's incredible that we have finally reached this point. But the legislative process is never easy. With powerful forces fighting hard to maintain the status quo, it will take all of us working together to seize this moment.

Today, you are one of more than two million Repower America members, and tens of millions of Americans, who want to take positive action for our planet. This is it -- a chance to demonstrate nationwide support for clean energy to our leaders in Congress, and help to bring about a new economic era based on clean energy.

 

So please, talk to your friends. Talk to your parents or grandparents. Start a conversation with a co-worker. And ask them to join with you and the millions of other Americans who want Congress to support clean energy jobs by closing the carbon pollution loophole.

Yes. I'll get 10 people to support this historic clean energy legislation in Congress.

I support clean energy but I'd like to help in other ways.

 

Your efforts have brought us this far. I hope you take this opportunity to make this a historic Earth Day.

 

Thank you,

 

Al Gore

www.repoweramerica.org

Mercedes Colwin & FAUX News - STFU

What a bunch of asshat douchebags.  Seriously, everytime I hear someone over at FUCKS News say anything, I feel like my fucking brain is eating itself.  It's all I can do not to catatonically drool all over myself and stop responding to external sensory stimulation altogether.

 

Okay, so Miss California Carrie Prejean answered Miss USA judge Perez Hilton's question honestly according to her own convictions.  While I disagree with her convictions, I must respect her right to her opinion, however misguided and ill-informed.  However, you have GOT to be kidding me with this next item.  Beware, you may want to get out your wading boots for all this bullshit:

 

Miss California Carrie Prejean, blasted by a Miss USA contest judge because she opposes gay marriage, may have grounds for a discrimination lawsuit herself — against the Miss USA pageant, a legal analyst says.

"If she really feels some tremendous stress as a result of losing — and I'm certain she's probably devastated from what happened to her — she can articulate a viable claim for monetary compensation for psychic injury," said FOX News legal analyst Mercedes Colwin.

Prejean fielded a question during Sunday night's pageant from celebrity blogger Perez Hilton about whether every state should legalize same-sex marriage. Prejean replied that she is opposed to gay marriage, and her answer may have cost her the crown. She finished second to Miss North Carolina Kristen Dalton.

"She lost it because of that question," Hilton said Monday. "She was definitely the front-runner before that."

Hilton, who is gay, said he gave Prejean a zero for her answer, and that may have made the difference in the outcome.

Prejean, who attends San Diego Christian College, said she saw the question as a test of her faith — a religious trial that could have her finishing in the money, if she decides to sue.

Any contestant in the pageant would be upset over losing, but it's the special circumstances surrounding Prejean's close call that would give her grounds to sue, Colwin said.

"It's her religious beliefs which prompted her to say 'I don't believe in same-sex marriages.' So she was espousing her beliefs," and could sue for a violation of Title VII, which forbids discrimination on the basis of religion.

Prejean couldn't sue for the crown itself because the pageant is a straightforward contest and she has no proprietary "right" to win, said Colwin. But if she could prove how devastated she was by the loss, she could still stand to gain.

Colwin said a "garden-variety psychic injury case" would probably net Prejean around $50,000-$100,000 if she had corroboration from a medical expert. Without that testimony, Colwin said, she would probably receive under $25,000 if successful.

But other legal experts say the suit would be dismissed as frivolous because there was no government involvement in the contest and no violation of rights in that private enterprise.

"The First Amendment insulates interference with religion from the government — it does not insulate religious interference with anyone else," said Judge Andrew Napolitano, senior legal analyst for FOX News. "I don't think the litigation would get to first base."

If anything, Napolitano added, Prejean "has a cause of action against 'The Donald' — against the people who run this thing" for choosing biased judges.

A spokeswoman for the Trump Organization, which co-owns the Miss USA pageant, directed questions to a spokeswoman for the Miss USA pageant, who declined to comment

Though Prejean said she's happy with the result of the contest, she agreed with Hilton on one thing — she was sure the tough Q&A is what did her in.

"Out of all the topics I studied up on, I dreaded that one: I prayed I would not be asked about gay marriage. If I had any other question, I know I would have won," she told FOXNews.com.

The question from Hilton was especially pointed as it came just five months after the passage of Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in the state of California. Prejean, 21, may not be the first religious Californian to suffer because of her position on the issue.

The director of the largest non-profit theater in California resigned in November after it was revealed he had donated $1,000 to help pass Proposition 8. Gay activists called for a boycott of the California Musical Theater in Sacramento until its director, Scott Eckern — a member of the Mormon church — stepped down after 25 years of service.

Much of the furor over the passing of Proposition 8 was bound up in religion. Mormons were major fundraisers for the Yes on 8 campaign, and they faced major backlash for their support. Activists protested outside Mormon temples around the country after the proposition passed, and some temples were defaced.

Sunday's theatrics were just the latest controversy for Miss USA, after one of last year's winners sued the state pageant for racial discrimination.

A Hispanic woman who won the Miss California USA contest filed suit last April because her crown was yanked just three days after she was proclaimed the winner. The director of the pageant said there was an accounting error, but Christina Silva alleged racial bias — and sued for $500,000 before withdrawing her case this year.

Source: FAUX News

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517362,00.html

 

 

Being Fully Present In the Moment

Attunement is attention that goes beyond momentary empathy to a full sustained presence that facilitates rapport. We offer a person our total attention and listen fully. We seek to understand the other person rather than just making our own point.

Such deep listening seems to be a natural aptitude. Still, as with all social intelligence dimensions, people can improve their attunement skills. And we can all facilitate attunement simply by intentionally paying more attention.

A person's style of speaking offers clues to their underlying ability to listen deeply. During moments of genuine connection, what we say will be responsive to what the other feels, says, and does. When we are poorly connected, however, our communications become verbal bullets: our message does not change to fit the other person's state but simply reflects our own. Listening makes the difference. Talking at a person rather than listening to him reduces a conversation to a monologue.

When I hijack a conversation by talking at you, I'm fulfilling my needs without considering yours. Real listening, in contrast, requires me to attune to your feelings, let you have your say, and allows the conversation to follow a course we mutually determine. Two-way listening makes a dialogue reciprocal, with each person adjusting what they say in keeping with how the other responds and feels.

This agendaless presence can be seen, surprisingly, in many top-performing sales people and client managers. Stars in these fields do not approach a customer or client with the determination to make a sale; rather they see themselves as consultants of sorts, whose task is first to listen and understand the client's needs -- and only then match what they have to those needs. Should they not have what's best, they'll say so [...].

Full attention, so endangered in this age of multitasking, is blunted whenever we split our focus. Self-absorption and preoccupations shrink our focus, so that we are less able to notice other people's feelings and needs, let alone respond with empathy. Our capacity for attunement suffers, snuffing out rapport.

But full presence does not demand that much from us. "A five-minute conversation can be a perfectly meaningful human moment," an article in the Harvard Business Review notes. "To make it work, you have to set aside what you are doing, put down the memo you were reading, disengage from your laptop, abandon your daydream, and focus on the person you're with." [...]

Intentionally paying more attention to someone may be the best way to encourage emergence of rapport. Listening carefully, with undivided attention, orients our neural circuits for connectivity, putting us on the same wavelength. That maximizes the likelihood that the other essential ingredients for rapport -- synchrony and positive feelings -- might bloom.

- Daniel Goleman, from "Social Intelligence"

Pet Shop Boys - Love Etc.

Love these guys, always have. This is their new video:

YEAH I'm a Hot Bitch

totally

Cocorosie feat. Antony - Beautiful Boyz

This song takes me to magical places...turn the lights low, and drift away...

WesternWhere Media Online

I started WesternWhere Media a couple of years ago to self-publish under. I totally revamped my poetry/WWM site and even set up a new Twitter account.

Check out the BLOG section of my MySpace page to read a few poems. Feel free to comment them as well.

I also revamped the store @ my publisher's site. Go, visit, and FEEL FREE to purchase one or more of my books in print or download!!!! And thanks in advance for the support.

Current perusing 'Grapefruit' by Yoko Ono



from the book:

PULSE PIECE

Listen to each other's pulse by
putting your ear on the other's stomach

1963 winter

PAINTING FOR THE WIND

Cut a hole in a bag filled with seeds
of any kind and place the bag where
there is wind

1961 summer

Patrick Swayze Fights Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer

Truly heartbreaking, as it is with anyone. Recent startling pictures have been published showing a 105 lb Patrick Swayze out & about at a gas station en route to the hospital. I won't post any here, out of respect for him and his family. They are online everywhere, should you care to search them out.

From justjared.buzznet.com:

The 56-year-old Dirty Dancing star reportedly weighs only 105 lbs and has been undergoiing chemotherapy. Swayze was diagnosed with late-stage pancreatic cancer last year and recently said that he may have only two years to live.

Reports say that the beloved star has decided to go forward with a “Do Not Resuscitate” order, requiring doctors to let him die in the event that he stops breathing or his heart stops beating. Whoopi Goldberg recently said, “You know what, he’s doing what everybody else is doing, he’s taking it one day at a time. He does not have an expiration date on his backside - none of us do we just know at some point it’s going to happen and that’s how he’s looking at it.”

Part 1 (of 5) of a Barbara Walters interview dated January 2009:



If you wish to send a Get Well card or message of support to Patrick by mail, please send it to:

WKT Public Relations
335 North Maple Drive Suite #351
Beverly Hills CA 90210
(courtesy of his fan club website)

Speaking of...

Excuse my beauty!

"Hooker Snags Pants" Would Have Been a Better Title

That comes directly from a comment left on a news story about a man's shock when the hooker he'd taken to a hotel stole his pants and wallet while he was in the restroom. Another gem from the comments section: "What's the world coming to when you can't trust a hooker?"

Indeed.

It's been a few days since I blogged. Hope all my reader(s) out there is/are having a good week. The weather here in North Texas is stunning lately. Warm, but not yet hot, mostly dry, sunny with a few clouds. A little rain here & there, which is needed in the area.

I promise I'll have something much better to follow up with later, but I just got home about 20 minutes ago, and am not yet wound down enough to come up with something clever. Give me a bit.

For Your Listening Pleasure

The Presets - If I Know You from Modular France on Vimeo.

Sometimes It Rages

"Sometimes it rages...even when it's calm, rock a little..." - Stevie Nicks, Rock a Little, 1985

***Tea and Backstory***

I found my old Xanga tonight and ran across a lot of my old writing from 04/05. The following is an excerpt. BTW, yes I am a writer. I publish poetry now under the name WEST. I even have a WEST MySpace. It was kind of hard reading this, but very thought provoking. Enjoy
---

sometimes it does rage, even when it's calm... maybe this line defines a greater part of me, and of my life, than i've realized or admitted. i'm a constant cycle of change. a classic Libra, i've long suffered from 'greener grass' syndrome, for as far back as i can remember. well, at least as far back as i've been able to make my own choices.

those of you who know me (or have been reading this blog for at least several months or more) know this. for those of you who don't know (new readers) a little backstory:

i grew up near a very small town (not *in* but near the town, yeah, out in the country) outside Oklahoma City. for 18 years, i lived there, i had friends, i didn't give thought to leaving. it was my life, and it was all i knew. all of us out there cascading through the days before the internet. once upon a time, i had my music, and my muses, and i became a writer...

by the time high school graduation came around, however, i was ready to fly as far from that place i'd long called home as i could. ever since i did leave, a month after graduating, i've in a sense been on the move ever since. but where have i gotten? a treadmill of different locales, or would-be-locales...

then, in February of 2004, my mother died. my dad had gone on a couple of years before, and the world exploded, at least for me...
the desire became even stronger to leave. i'd moved from Dallas back to Oklahoma City to be close to my mother, in case anything happened. Along the way, i got to reconnect with several old friends, make more new ones than i could be grateful for, and spend time with her. thankfully.

when she died, i went a little nuts for a while. i moved from apartment to apartment, unsure of what i was going to do or how. i got on anti-depressants immediately, to avoid the coming storm. a good idea, and a bad one. they helped, but they helped suppress the emotions i needed to be feeling. only now, a year and a half later, can i even begin to think about her or look at pictures without being overcome with emotion and emptiness, and that's only half the time...

i came very close at one point to abandoning. that is...i nearly sold my car and much of what i owned, and i was going to take my journal and some clothes and head west, in search of some sort of meaning to my life, in search of a 'me' again... needless to say that didn't come about. for the better? perhaps. i may never know.

but the desire was partly fueled, at least geographically, by the trip i took just 2 months after she died. i went to the desert, the great American Southwest, for the first time since i was a kid, and only then with my parents to Carlsbad and back to the rolling plains of Oklahoma. that trip changed me in a lot of ways that i still carry with me today. and it made me realize now more than ever, since my whole life had changed, there was something else out there, and in a lot of ways it was a new start. after all, it had to be...

now there's the future possibility of going to Orlando, and i've still always wanted to see Chicago, but then i think of the west as well...where i left a huge chunk of my heart. someday i know i'll go back for it...

my goal for over a year was getting out of Oklahoma. now that i've done that, it truly feels like many boundaries are just gone. i returned to the place where i was born and raised, one parent gone, and the other went as well. with the exception of the ties that i will always carry with my friends there, my life in Oklahoma is over. i'm no longer tied to that land, and now i see that even more clearly than before. the sky is open, and the world's still out there to explore.

i wonder where it will take me, and if i'll ever stop moving...
i wrote this last night, listening to this very song...



The Bittersweet of Letting Go

I’ve driven red through those mountains
Turned turquoise beneath open skies
Danced interwoven new dialogues through my mind
I closed my eyes once
And let it all go…
I headed west
No. regrets. Nothing to lose
A year or so ago I was a danger rumbling under brush
A drought fire waiting to ignite fast and hard
1 am, all fresh from death
And Amarillo through the fog and rain
Do you remember the rear tire…?
7 am blowout at 105…
Wow, myths are true about western people
I was true for the first time in such a long set of days
And months
A pendulum bearing swing
Back to the center
My charkas are highways heading into
Sunset desert; Stevie my guide
There’s something about putting footsteps
On a place someone else did thousands of years ago
A migration…
Do you know what it means…?
What it feels like to let the world go
Release yourself to the desert sun and the sky
You
Break
Apart
And reform,
My own siege perilous
And I’m reborn
I’ve driven high through those mountains
Felt the hum in my bones of those valleys
I loved you both, but life was fragile
And didn’t come with a set of Robert’s Rules
Dancers together now, I know
And somewhere under the sunset and chill of falling nights
I’ve got to cut myself in half once again
To let the rest out, and go on
You’re in my very being, DNA altercated and modified
You taught me my values, my thoughts, my fears
But when you’ve lost everything
It’s got to be a fresh start from there…
I’ve got to be anything now
To look out for myself, alone now
When parents die…
We’re pushed to the front of the line
And I’m not taking anymore chances with my time
It’s got to be a fresh start from
Right
Here

06/21/2005 ©Jase Donaldson